New Vogue Sewing Patterns: A Roast

29 Apr

Ooooh y’all looks like we’ve been blessed with a lil’ treat this month – new Vogue Patterns are out and they are something else. It’s almost like they’ve been saving the crazy ones and decided to give us a treat to take our minds off the world basically being a dumpster fire otherwise.

Before we get into it – I want to address the question that I get asked all the time, which is why I don’t write these reviews anymore. Ummm y’all I don’t know if there is another Vogue website I’m not seeing but honestly the stuff they have been releasing for the past few years has been pretty inoffensive. I look every single season and I really don’t see anything that warrants being made fun of. Lots of boring and meh stuff for sure, but none of the crazy WTF-were-y’all-thinking shit that we used to see in their catalogues. It’s not a conspiracy. No one told me to stop posting. I’m not holding out to be mean. I really just… don’t see the WTF much these days. That’s it, that’s the tea.

That being said, oh there’s plenty of it this season. Let’s take a look!


Vogue 1702 / Claire Shaeffer
It finally happened. Science has found to way to breed pants with skirts and created this hybrid monstrosity. But have we gone too far?


Vogue 1694 / Marcy Tilton
It’s a strange fabric choice but TBH I kind of like it.


Vogue 1697
Cute dress or whatever, but who is responsible for styling this shoot? The way the bias has draped at her lower back looks like a fucking jelly roll.


Vogue 1692 / Júlio César NYC
Ok, Angelina.


Vogue 1704 / Rachel Comey
Hot air balloon sleeves: A must-have for the season’s fashion.


Vogue 1707
Who approved that button placement? It looks like God put her nipples in the wrong spot.


Vogue 1710 / Rachel Comey
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph what the FUCK am I looking at here??


Vogue 1708
So I guess this is supposed to be a jumpsuit where the “bodice” is just long ties that you can wrap however. It’s a cute idea in theory I guess but in reality it looks like she quit sewing the garment halfway through and is trying to Little Mermaid her way into pretending like it’s a whole ass dress.


The back is cute, tho.


Vogue 1706
Hospital scrubs, but make it fashion.


Vogue 1700

Who wore it better?


Vogue 1703
I don’t hate the pattern, I just want to talk shit about the stripe placement.


Vogue 1695 / Today’s Fit By Sandra Betzina
Bonus – the bow doubles as a pillow!


Vogue 1705
Thanks, I hate it.


Vogue 1701
† THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! †

That’s all for this round! Thanks to Vogue Patterns for giving us some entertainment during these shitty, shitty times. Which one was your favorite?

This one is mine. Elbow windows! WITH RUFFLES. I cannot even tell you how long I’ve spent laughing at this.

91 Responses to “New Vogue Sewing Patterns: A Roast”

  1. Sharon April 29, 2020 at 3:06 pm #

    I just forwarded this to every person I know: those who so and a few who don’t. Thank you for the laugh just when we all needed one!

  2. Elizabeth Miller (@ibarlofski) April 29, 2020 at 3:06 pm #

    Good Lord! Who wants to emphasize the skin on the back of their elbows? Crazy town. Thanks for the laughs.

  3. Louise April 29, 2020 at 3:14 pm #

    1703, if it makes the model look fat how the hell could I wear it!

    • Johnette July 26, 2020 at 5:18 pm #

      Never commented on your post before but thank you so much for the laughs…love it!

  4. Katie R April 29, 2020 at 3:20 pm #

    thank you, this post saved my quarantined life….. can’t.stop.laughing.

  5. Emily April 29, 2020 at 3:20 pm #

    Ha! Thanks for the laugh, I needed that! Hope you are well!

  6. Kim April 29, 2020 at 3:21 pm #

    You only hate v1705 because you’re not waiting tables at Octoberfest. 😂😂😂

    Kim Shaw Small City Farm

    >

    • Mabel April 29, 2020 at 3:28 pm #

      I totally agree with you! It is hysterical 😂😂 Thank you we need this!💕🤗🌷

  7. Peter April 29, 2020 at 3:27 pm #

    I know it’s not part of the pattern, but the CB seam of the tan pants in the V1703 pic looks seriously uncomfortable!

    • heartsease57 May 9, 2020 at 3:57 pm #

      There are no pants in 1703–that is a skirt.

  8. Anonymous April 29, 2020 at 3:34 pm #

    Literally sitting here laughing so stupidly out loud! Thank you!!

  9. aem2 April 29, 2020 at 3:41 pm #

    Katisha from The Mikado would lurve that top. “My left elbow is a miracle of loveliness!”

    My husband thinks if you wear that top, you should put googly eyes on your elbows.

    • car2ole April 29, 2020 at 4:25 pm #

      The power of Christ compels you! My love for watching exorcism movies while sewing is finally culminating in a perfect garment! And shout out for the idea of adding googly eyes in the elbow windows!

    • NancyJ April 29, 2020 at 9:00 pm #

      You just made my day with the Gilbert & Sullivan reference!

  10. Carol S April 29, 2020 at 3:43 pm #

    1710 The conversation went like: this someone said: “cold shoulders are over” someone responded: “let’s move them somewhere else.

    • Elaine May 2, 2020 at 9:21 am #

      LMAO

  11. Nina April 29, 2020 at 3:49 pm #

    It looks like a shark got both her elbows. Rachel Comey!!

  12. katiemakesadress April 29, 2020 at 3:54 pm #

    VOGUE: The cold shoulder has been done. Gimme something new, something fresh.
    DESIGNER: Cold….elbows?

  13. Lisa Hughes April 29, 2020 at 4:02 pm #

    They’re just all so very weird. Even lockdown is not making me insane enough to want to make ANY of these.

  14. Lita April 29, 2020 at 4:05 pm #

    Window elbows :DD I am laughing loud here, when everyone else is sleeping.
    My favorite is the green bias dress with the problem lower back – it’s so funny that I almost cried.
    Actually, I like a lot the candy blouse and the pillow dress (1700 & 1695), I like them way more than the fashion of lantern sleeves, which is huge.

  15. Emily April 29, 2020 at 4:07 pm #

    They really could have picked a better backdrop. like even a white background would have been better than 80s cubicle fuzz.

  16. Deborah April 29, 2020 at 4:14 pm #

    The “cold elbow” look is just downright weird! My elbows are not that great and why call attention to them at all? Glad to see you back on the blog . . .

  17. Tina Cavaluzzi April 29, 2020 at 4:16 pm #

    Elbow windows are indeed dumber than shoulder windows, and i didn’t think anything could be dumber than shoulder windows.

  18. artcoopsville April 29, 2020 at 4:20 pm #

    Elbow ruffles.WTF. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

  19. COREY HILL April 29, 2020 at 4:24 pm #

    Most of the patterns from vogue over the past few years, are absolutely hideous. I think they should just re issue their pattern catalog from the early 90’s better looking clothing and real designer looks … all of these clothes look like dog crap.

  20. Cheryl April 29, 2020 at 4:27 pm #

    I want to see 1700 and 1703 on the same person at the same time sooooo much.

    • heartsease57 May 9, 2020 at 4:00 pm #

      Laughing hysterically at the thought of this,

  21. steelyseamstress April 29, 2020 at 4:28 pm #

    The way you started this post, made me think this was going to be a collection of boring Vogue, but, oh my goodness, Vogue have excelled themselves! The “cold elbows” jacket, the “four nipples” vest, the “built-in apron” dress – so much weirdness! This made my day!

  22. Silvia April 29, 2020 at 4:42 pm #

    That Vagina Monologues 1703 stripe placement is a crime against women. 1705 immediately made me think of the Van Trapp family in Sound o’Music, so that’s something. You do need to wonder if legal weed came into play here and I’m glad Vogue are good sports about the whole thing. It must be difficult to have their business model in a time when PDFs are ruling the roost. Thanks for the laughs!

  23. AJW April 29, 2020 at 4:46 pm #

    THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
    I so totally needed this! You brought tears of well-needed laughter during a grim time.
    Wash your hands and stay healthy!

  24. McCallPatternCompany (@mccallpatternco) April 29, 2020 at 4:47 pm #

    We never disappoint, do we! Ya gotta give us that, right? XOXO

    • Genevieve May 1, 2020 at 1:35 pm #

      I love the sense of humor! Awesome.

  25. Lisa April 29, 2020 at 4:51 pm #

    Brilliant. I had to do a double take with the elbow windows. Why?!

  26. Daniela S. April 29, 2020 at 4:58 pm #

    I agree with everything said, but I kinda like 1704. I like the puffy sleeves, and the color combo is eye-catching. It is what I call an Instagram outfit, it looks good if you stand still and pose, and then pick the best photo of the bunch. I wouldn’t wear it but I like looking at it.

    • Genevieve May 1, 2020 at 1:34 pm #

      Same! Some people are super into these big sleeves right now and look great in them. They are silly, but also stylish.

      I love this roundup overall. Such good light comic relief. My favorite annotation is the one that says simply “Thanks, I hate it.”

  27. Shirley April 29, 2020 at 5:03 pm #

    Love this!! Thanks for the good laugh! My favorite is the reference to the candy rolls…awesome!

    • Sally King April 29, 2020 at 6:37 pm #

      Ya still got it and ya dish it out better every year!!

  28. Angela C Morrison April 29, 2020 at 5:29 pm #

    OMG, I thought I was going to spit my tea out when I read, “The power of Christ compels you!” That was freaking fantastic! I have to agree elbow windows was the most hideous. I do like the Christ shirt neckline though. 🙂

  29. JillyL April 29, 2020 at 5:33 pm #

    That jacket was nuts before I even noticed the elbow windows! haha

  30. Meghan April 29, 2020 at 5:35 pm #

    Oh, how I giggled.

  31. Martina Voss April 29, 2020 at 5:58 pm #

    Oh my goodness …l am still laughing my ass off at your comments. Thanks for that. I totally agree with you but would also like to add the need for double sided tape for those plunging necklines.

    The elbow ruffles (who wants to highlight their elbows??) and religious revival take it!

    Martina

  32. Ms LoriAnne Gamble April 29, 2020 at 6:01 pm #

    They’re all have to much foo foo shit for me.

  33. Kristina Cairns April 29, 2020 at 6:14 pm #

    I’m troubled too by the pants they’ve paired with the cold-elbow top. They look like gabardine work pants, complete with belt loops & back pocket buttons — which is not at all the right texture or vibe for this top. Shouldn’t they have chosen a casual, rough-texture pant (possibly with ruffle-rimmed openings at the hips)?

  34. shannon applegate April 29, 2020 at 6:44 pm #

    Definitely the elbow window-ruffles. WHO wants to show off their elbows?

  35. Karen Mulkey April 29, 2020 at 6:57 pm #

    Thanks foe the best laugh of the day! Rachael Comey – what were you thinking??? Like you I kinda like Marcy Tilton’s dress pattern and she rarely disappoints me in her designs. Do you think this messy collection is due to the new company owners?

  36. sheseams April 29, 2020 at 7:05 pm #

    Favorite quote ” it looks like God put her nipples in the wrong place…” I can’t breathe 🤣🤣🤣… Great review!

  37. frugaljd April 29, 2020 at 7:27 pm #

    This post made the fu&!ery that is this release tolerable. Not going to sew any of it but when I see it, I can laugh.

  38. Annie April 29, 2020 at 9:57 pm #

    So, you know how you keep all your body parts tucked in at bedtime after a scary movie because the monster under your bed will snatch any exposed parts? That “elbow windows” jacket is the awake version.

  39. Olivia April 29, 2020 at 10:12 pm #

    Yes! I saw the email and have been dying for your critique. The absurd ruffle elbow windows? WHY!? And the awkward pussy curtain of the skant. Fuck, I kinda want a pair just so I can call them skants. MOVE OVER SKORTS, SKANTS ARE IN TOWN.

    • PsychicSewerKathleen April 30, 2020 at 8:43 am #

      You gave me the second greatest giggle this morning right on the heels of Lauren’s. “SKANTS” and to be extra cheeky let’s just say, “Skanky Skants”! In no time you’ll have made that a thing. In the future I can just hear it, “Whoever coined/captured that term?”

  40. Pam Henager April 30, 2020 at 12:51 am #

    I think I made the pants of 1704 as my 4-H project in 1978. Will try to find a picture. . . I had Dorothy Hamill hair at the time. . .

  41. Alice April 30, 2020 at 1:34 am #

    Oh the ‘cold elbow’ shot at the end made me spit out my morning tea! Really didn’t see that coming. Who would? And the stripes in that tiered skirt – so reassuring to see I’m not the only one who cocks up royally. Thank you for cheering me right up 😂

  42. Anonymous April 30, 2020 at 1:41 am #

    I love it when you do these reviews! Keeps me laughing for days. Thank You!

  43. MadebyMeg April 30, 2020 at 1:56 am #

    It’s cold shoulders for your elbow – cold elbow?! 🤣

  44. TracyK April 30, 2020 at 7:37 am #

    These are seriously awful; however, your comments made them worth looking at for a minute. I’m curious. Who wears the cut up to here/down to there/backless garments? I could not have worn those things to work in my former office life, and I would not wear them to church either. I would not wear the gowns to a dressy event wither. Leave a little to the imagination!

  45. LinB April 30, 2020 at 8:14 am #

    I have always considered the “cold shoulder” windows the epitome of ridiculosity … but now mine eyes hath seen “cold elbow” windows. Good Lord above.

  46. Barb April 30, 2020 at 8:24 am #

    What’s next? “Cold Knees”? Also, I’m a minister’s wife and “The power of Christ compels you!” made me laugh out loud at work! Brilliant work

  47. PsychicSewerKathleen April 30, 2020 at 8:27 am #

    1707 and “nipples in the wrong spot” just made me laugh like a crazy woman! I actually loved your idea re 1706 for stylish scrubs. I know a few health care professionals who would probably really love the set. I liked the tee in 1705 but not the skirt. If I made it and wore that skirt my partner would think I’d completely flipped my lid for SO many reasons – Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz (although that is the life we’re sort living right now) came to mind. Thank you once again for another fabulous post. You gave me a preciously needed good giggle 🙂

  48. JustGail April 30, 2020 at 8:31 am #

    I could see myself making and wearing 1694 & 1706 tunic tops. The rest, I feel like I’ve seen before. Most could be made better with different fabric choices (1701) and ditch those buttons on 1707, and 1708 is the infinity dress with pants.

    But the top of the bottom is definitely that Comey monstrosity 1710. Who wants to draw attention to their elbows?! Anyone? I think even the crickets I hear are laughing on that question.

  49. Dorothy April 30, 2020 at 8:38 am #

    1705 has wrinkly boobs, and looks like they made the skirt inside out, with the lining swapped for the face fabric

  50. Louise April 30, 2020 at 8:44 am #

    The 1704 makes me think of Anne of Green Gables’ puffed sleeves. Marilla said she’d have to walk through the door sideways. I think the silhouette is interesting, but if I wore something like that, I’d look pretty foolish!

  51. duck April 30, 2020 at 9:20 am #

    omigod, that Rachel Comey jacket is almost…ALMOST…okay. maybe with like very small elbow windows and no ruffles or something. but…yeah…no.

  52. Deborah R Penner April 30, 2020 at 9:51 am #

    Just discovered yesterday that Vogue Patterns magazine was discontinued a year ago! I had wondered why I did not get a renewal on this. Wow, I have back issues from this from 1975 and have been a consistent subscriber. Why did they not send me a notice on this? Just another nail in the coffin for this once great pattern company.

    • LLADYBIRD April 30, 2020 at 11:11 am #

      Oh that’s weird! They definitely sent out a bunch of communication when they discontinued the magazine… it was all over social media and I know plenty of people who did get email notifications. That is really shitty that you didn’t get a head’s up!

  53. Kathleen April 30, 2020 at 10:18 am #

    Well done, Lauren! ROFL for the first time in a long time. You were spot on with every review. You bring creativity, skill, and wit to the sewing community. Wishing you well in these tough times.

  54. janice April 30, 2020 at 10:34 am #

    Vogue, just die already

  55. Caro April 30, 2020 at 11:39 am #

    Whahaha, love this. What would number one be called. A pirt, skants maybe?? What where they thinking? The ruffled Elbow windows are also “a stroke of genius”

  56. Merry Pinbender April 30, 2020 at 2:42 pm #

    You had me with the “dumpster fire” by the time I got to 1704’s button placement I was in full belly laugh mode (by the way, WTF are those pants? ) Boob buttons and knee covers, oh my! That brings me to the elbow windows. I almost peed my pants I laughed so hard. After this trend the only place to go is ruffled knee windows, because what’s a window without a valance?
    Cheers to you

    • Abbey April 30, 2020 at 9:22 pm #

      Cold elbow just flatlined me 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

      • Abbey April 30, 2020 at 9:23 pm #

        And now your ruffled knee windows 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 omg the image

  57. lisa deering April 30, 2020 at 2:46 pm #

    My take is that someone told them to use up all the ugly fabric that was sitting around so they could empty out one of the storage closets. Maybe they should have made masks instead.

  58. Sherrie Virdell April 30, 2020 at 2:56 pm #

    Hilarious, thanks for the laugh! Who thought any of these patterns were a good idea? All were weird but the cold elbow pattern is definitely the worst!

  59. Abbey April 30, 2020 at 9:20 pm #

    Why are the elbows out? Wtf is up with those ruffles? Why the ruffles? Why is it cropped and with a peplum? I have questions. That one is confusing and hilarious all at the same time.

  60. Kerry May 1, 2020 at 8:06 am #

    Oh you guys are just mean. I was going to email Rachel Comey suggesting ass windows with ruffles for that lovely jacket but now you’ve rained on my parade. Seriously, thanks for sending my first coffee of the day through my nose. Crying over here!

  61. Lizzy May 1, 2020 at 10:42 am #

    I thought it was just me! I clicked through all the new releases with this HORRIFIED look on my face. It was like watching a train wreck in a slide presentation. I’m all for creativity but …. usually it’s just one or two garments. Hopefully COVID stay-at-home time will give them a chance to get their minds right for the next go-round. (And a serious conversation needs to be had with the person who came up with RUFFLED cold elbows.)

  62. Angela May 1, 2020 at 11:33 am #

    V1702 – couldn’t come up with a better way to make everyone look at your crotch! And egads, elbow windows??? One of the least attractive areas of the body and Vogue highlights them? Ugly and would drive me nuts to wear.

  63. Ann Hedington May 1, 2020 at 3:11 pm #

    ROFL! So glad I read this!

  64. Splinters&Stitches May 1, 2020 at 5:42 pm #

    Ha! I should probably be ashamed to admit this, but I kind of love the skants. I don’t have the lifestyle to wear such things, but if I did, I’d probably at least give them a try. Just say no to drugs and ruffled elbow windows though. Must have been a helluva trip.

  65. Rachel Lawson May 2, 2020 at 7:12 am #

    They missed a trick pairing 1700 with 1703…. thay would have been the Sound of Music stripe curtain ensemble tribute to end them all!

  66. Lisa G May 2, 2020 at 9:07 am #

    I was so excited when I saw the words “a roast.” I love a good roast!!! I have to agree with you on ruffled elbow windows! At least her booty looks pretty good for a small one! 😂 Thank you for this awesome post!!

    Also, I’m praying hard that your August class in Gainesville isn’t cancelled!!!

  67. Liz May 2, 2020 at 2:38 pm #

    Pretty sure the green dress is another attempted recreation of the divine green dress Keira Knightly wears in Atonement…but done badly.
    I hated cold shoulders so I’m not going to love elbow windows!

  68. Debra May 3, 2020 at 5:29 am #

    Still laughing my ass off! Elbow windows, hideous. None of them would I waste my time or fabric on. Thanks for the laughs!

  69. Monica Teem May 3, 2020 at 3:29 pm #

    I am now inspired to take the ruffled elbow windows to accentuate my knees on a new pair of skants (skirt pants). Off to exfoliate said knees and stitch away the magic

  70. Alyssa May 5, 2020 at 1:08 pm #

    I think what kills me is that they bothered to put that little welt breast pocket on the weird cold-elbow bolero. I will say I’m digging the pant skirt hybrid – it has an old hollywood feel to me. But you can burn the rest.

  71. accordion3 May 5, 2020 at 8:12 pm #

    So much to love and giggle at. Thanks for the heads up!

    And many thanks for your inimitable writing..

  72. Hannah May 7, 2020 at 3:39 pm #

    Oh, thank you. Thank you so much! Even my husband laughed at the cold elbow caption. Absolute blogging magic. You hero ❤️

  73. Anonymous May 8, 2020 at 9:42 am #

    Just discovered your blog. Love it!

  74. Michelle Rivera May 14, 2020 at 9:57 am #

    Tired of your hip bones playing second fiddle to you waist? Look no further than the Vogue 1703! Included is the awkward stripe placement fabric that leaves your onlookers wondering if you’d rather just be wearing a loin cloth. Which begs the question, how well are you accentuating your yoni energy? With a flowing mermaid hem that is 100% controlled by hip gyration, this skirt will be sure to turn heads and catch every surface you walk on. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 OMG I love you Lauren 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  75. A May 17, 2020 at 11:53 pm #

    I once saw a blazer with the cold elbow cutouts. So stupid.

  76. Nia Lorre May 21, 2020 at 12:06 am #

    I have not had such a good laugh in a long time! We are in almost 100% agreement on these, except you said it funnier. FWIW, I’m and old fart and I would wear the first pants/skirt to a formal affair because of the weird factor. But I can’t see actually buying the pattern and doing those narrow hems, so yeah, it’s a hard pass.

  77. Jessica D'Eugenio June 5, 2020 at 8:19 am #

    I just choked on a bagel which looking at these. HAHA!!

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