Well I was planning on posting a sewing project today, but Vogue just released their newest seasonal offering of sewing patterns and I actually have opinions for once! Yay! I swear, the last several offerings have been very… vanilla. Which is great for them, but not so great for snarky posts. Hence why these tend to be so infrequent. It’s hard to poke fun when there’s nothing to poke fun at 🙂
Anyway, let’s get on it!
Vogue 9303 / Marcy Tilton
Featuring a handy snack pocket, perfect for stashing some tots.
Vogue 1579 / Badgley Mischka
I mean, I hate the cold-shouldered look too but c’mon man you don’t have to be so dramatic about it.
Vogue 1581 / Tom & Linda Platt
When you cut your hem crooked and try to pretend like you did it on purpose and it’s actually a design element.
Vogue 1576 / Tom & Linda Platt
Ever wanted to pretend like you were a flying squirrel? Well, I’ve got a pattern for you…
Vogue 9307 / Julio Ceaser
You could hide an entire turkey in those sleeves.
Vogue 9292
Even the model looks bored with this pattern.
Vogue 9296
Aaaaaaaand now she looks high.
As a side note: I know I am going to get a lot of backlash for this, but I cannot wait until this cold shoulder look goes out of style. It just reminds me of this fucking Replicant shirt I used to own when I was in highschool:
Yeah, I thought those little tiny shoulder slits were suuuper cool. Also, the shirt was very sparkly haha.
Ok, moving on!
Vogue 1575
Ok, for real I actually like these pieces separate. But together, they look too art teacher chic. And not, like, fun art teacher chic but like… frumpy grumpy art teacher who doesn’t allow actual artistic expression and maybe even took over finishing your project for you because she was such a fucking control freak about it. That kind of art teacher. Anyone else have one of those? Just me?
Vogue 9299
Really?
Vogue 9304 / Kathryn Brenne
I don’t even know where to start with these. The front yoke just looks like she’s wearing her pants backwards, especially combined with those weird-ass pockets. The real kicker is how they are sewn on – the corners are loose, left to flap casually in the breeze.
I do like that sweater, though.
LLADYBIRD 
I agree most were awful. The red dress was pretty!
The red dress definitely has potential!
Am right there with you about “cold shoulders.” Also, I do not understand sleeveless turtleneck sweaters.
Hahah same, with you on that one. So you’re cold but also… sleeveless? Whut?
You ladies are too young, that’s all. The turtle neck is to disguise the wrinkly “turkey neck” common among older women who do not engage in plastic surgery. The neck is there, come rain or shine. Thus, sleeveless turtle necks are summertime neck disguises.
Oh, Sewlovinglife, I think I love you! I am 59, so definitely not “too young.” (Miz Lauren is too young for turkey neck.) I am in possession of a neck that is much shorter than average, so I don’t wear turtlenecks at all, as they tend to strangulate.
Sleeveless turtlenecks are usually made in quite a heavy sweater knit, often in wool … Mama don’t wear sweaters in summer. It do be too hot in central NC for sweaters in the summertime. I just gather all the neck wrinkles into a pleasing formation and fasten them off with a nice brooch, lol.
That was a refreshingly snarky post. Love you!
Love you too!
Not only am I ready for those cold shoulder tops to go away, but I am also ready for the obsession with flamboyant sleeves to go away. I don’t wear things I cannot perform ANY daily activities in while I have it on. In about 2 minutes after I put it on, the sleeves would be covered in something. These 2 trends have not been exciting for me. You weren’t very snarky, just mildly snarky!
Oh man, I hate those crazy sleeves! I do not understand them. You and I will just be boring together haha.
Can I join the club please? I have been feeling very lonely in my narrow sleeves and warm shoulders 😀
yep, had the exact art teacher you speak of (dug her nail into my manila paper to show how she thought shoulders should go… ugh.) love your insights! 🙂
Teachers like that are the reason why people hate art and are afraid to try it! The world needs more fun and colorful art teachers 🙂
The last pants! OMG!
Those color-blocked ones are hilarious. Guess I prefer my color blocks on the wall (aka Piet Mondrian). As for the cold-shoulder look, why in the world that’s still around is beyond me. I think back to childhood and remember hearing, “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” 🙂 And, I have to wonder if there’s a pattern for that sweater. The cargo pants can go somewhere (far away) to hide, but that top looks really pretty (watch it have a turtleneck and be sleeveless :-O ).
aha…just looked at the link for the pattern. Sweater does NOT have a weird turtleneck. And it does have sleeves (missed that the first time around). I would love to find a pattern like that, though. Time to troll through Ravelry yet again. 🙂
If you find one, please share!
https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/-12-dorit Found this one, which really looks a lot like the one from the pattern photo shoot. It’s a cardigan, shown with the buttons down the back, and I don’t know how easy/or not it would be to make it a pullover. I’m pretty sure I’m going to give it a shot, though!
ahahaha I love that you found it!! I want to see it when you knit it up!
Since there’s no English version (but there is a chart), I’m going to see if a friend of mine who designs patterns and works at our LYS can help me “decode” it!
Those pants, yikes! I’ll pass on having my front pockets flapping in the wind. Thank you for this post, had a great laugh!
One thing I’ve often wondered when scrolling through Vogue’s offerings is why the hell their models are forbidden from showing any positive emotion. Models looking bored or high (lolz) doesn’t really make me any more excited about the garments than they seem to be…not a good advertising technique.
To be fair, that’s more of a high fashion thing than Vogue specifically. Most of those designers (including the ones who license to Vogue) do their photos that way. Not a huge fan of it but it is what it is!
Oh dear Vogue! It’s like every designer feels they have to design something with a stand-out feature, just because they can….. I know let’s add big sleeves and a tie with excessive dangle, or let’s do some radical seam lines and some odd pockets with floating corners, cos well I’m designer and I can….Actually I’ve thought of a use for those pockets. You know when you’re relaxing on the sofa and eating chocolate. Well, those extra corners are to catch chocolate crumbs so they don’t melt…..hey, ingenious, I’ve got to get them. Love the return of the “partlet” in that greenish Badgley Mischka dress, nice to see a returning trend, last fashionable in the sixteenth century.
Hi Lauren! I’ve missed you!
Hi Carlos!!! ❤
+1 wanting the cold shoulder trend to DIE. If my shoulders are cold, the rest of me is cold, I might as well be wearing a tank top in winter.
This was the first Vogue release in a while where I will not be purchasing anything.
I was working on this oil painting in high school art for a good month – redoing areas I didn’t like and such – when it just disappeared. The teacher put it in a locked display case in a hallway. “It’s done” was all he said when I asked. Maybe that says more about me than the art teacher…
HAHA. Wow! I would be so mad if someone did that to me!
About time, it’s been toooo long since you’ve posted about the new patterns. I love to read when the bitchy side come out. Which is the main reason I started following you.
I still have a bitchy side! It just comes and goes 🙂 lol
Omg…crotch flaps
How is it possible to make pants that fit this badly on professional models. No wonder they look miserable. Patterns like these are why uninformed people say they don’t want to learn to sew.
I have SOOOOO missed your snarky pattern reviews!!!!
I think I might be crazy but I kind of love that last pair of pants… the front yoke is awful but I like the rest of the lines and yes, even the pocket flaps appeal to me!
Is 9299 a shirt apron? A hospital pin striper pinafore? 9307 is Maternity wear. It must be. 1576, you know how people resemble their pets? Bat. 1581, I’ve done that but wasn’t smart enough to play it off like that.
Sometimes it seems like they just can’t think of anything else original to do with clothes so they make wonky weird seams and strangely placed pockets and call it new or fresh. If I left my pockets sewn like that my friends would ask me if I was drinking while I was sewing …again. Great Review!!
Omg, I totally looked at the new pattern email this morning and said, “man, I hope Lauren posts on these, because DAMN.”
The crotch flaps kill me. It’s like when you want to put a smart phone in the front pocket of your skinny jeans and it looks like you have a weird rectangular upper thigh — except it’s a design element. Weird, man.
I am definitely ready for the cold shoulder look to die. It reminds me too much of triathletes who wear arm warmers with tank tops, and *that* looks screams, “I have a $12K bike but can’t ride in a straight line.”
I kinda like the flying squirrel dress!
There actually is a reason behind the tanks and arm warmers (for athletes, anyway haha)! It’s so you can cover your arms while you warm up, but quickly remove the sleeves (instead of an entire shirt) when you get too warm. My dad used to wear them for his marathons – he sewed them himself 🙂
Oh, I totally get it–I raced bikes for years, and I wear them while backpacking because they are so easy to put on and take off without removing my pack. It’s the covered forearm/naked shoulder that perplexes me.
I actually like 1579, though I have nowhere to wear it, but I agree the rest of their offerings were pretty straight up awful. Even the Vintage Vogue patterns didn’t appeal to me–the “as made” photo of 9295 is one of the ugliest things I’ve seen on the Vogue site. I hope they get their mojo back soon because this was one of the worst new pattern offering groups I’ve ever seen.
Oh thank goodness. I thought I was the only one that hated the stupid cold shoulder trend. If I’m cold enough for sleeves, I’m cold enough to cover my damn shoulders. WHEN WILL IT END?!??
Oh soooooo funny! That is your post and their designs! What a way to cheer up a dismal evening, bring on The Snark!
You’re back!!!!! I missed you. Thanks for making me laugh! And I thought I was the only hater of the ‘cold shoulder’.
first of all…yeah! someone else who really hates the cold shoulder thing. I thought I was the only one! Secondly, your thoughts on the new Vogue patterns follow my own quite closely…I did not see any that interested me.
close? https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/-12-dorit
yes!!
Death to the cold-shoulder look! Such a stupid design.
Buuuuuut I have seen a similar concept applied to elbows, like with a segmented sleeve with a little bit of overlap on the sides of the elbow, making a small gap at the outside of the elbow when you bend your arm. I wish I could explain it better. But when it’s done subtly I actually kinda really like it.
I’ve also seen sleeves that just have a hole at the elbow, which is basically the same as the cold shoulder, and bleck!
But elbows are so ugly!
So look forward to your reviews…and once again, you did not disappoint. Especially loved the art teacher description!
A great laugh. All the black and white numbers needed was a very long red necktie🙃
😂😂😂😂😂 those last pants man you cracked me up🤣🤣. And flying squirrels 😆😆😆
You are not alone. I cannot stand cold shoulders. Hate them soooo much. Ugly and contrived…..
You are not the only one who HATES all those dayum cold shoulder patterns…enough already! But the shirt pattern you compared to Jerry Seinfeld – that one is mine when they go on sale! It’s gonna make a great spring/summer dress. The only other pattern I liked was the Issac Mizrahi coat pattern. Will get that one too. But I find that I’m buying fewer and fewer patterns these days because it’s all the same ole, same ole…
I want to see that dress when you make it up!!
Enjoyed this post even if it was mild for your usual review. The only idea that I like is the snack pocket-just not sure about that pocket on those pants, Pocket placement looks wrong to me. I didn’t realize that there are so many others who don’t like their shoulders cold in the winter and the big sleeves that are only good for wiping up kitchen counters.
Both of those pants are sad-inducing. Not creative, just weird.
The art teacher chic outfit I totally am working on a similar but not as loosey-goosey look. I made a pullover in a floral lightweight French terry to pair with a sleeveless ponte dress with cowl in a solid. I haven’t made the dress but I am TOO excited about the two together.
I love cold shoulders like I love peplums! VIVA LA COLD SHOULDER! lmao!!!!!!!
I feel like this collection skewed a little older in general.
hahaha if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that people are PASSIONATE about where they stand on the cold shoulder thing! Ya either really love it or really hate it, there is no in between! 🙂
Flying squirrel 😹 brilliant, love your vogue reviews
Cold shoulder tops are like open toed boots. Yanno, “Who thought THAT was a good idea? Oh that guy? That guy’s nuts, you knew that right?”
I’ve missed the sarcastic pattern reviews!
Open toed boots are the worst thing that has ever happened to fashion. Period. Never understood it, never will, not even gonna try haha
9304 – judging by the fit she does just have those trousers on backwards, right? Shocker! The cold shoulder thing – I want to like it because I get a heat rash on my forearms so am always looking for a summery long-sleeve solution, but I just haven’t been able to bring myself to go for it.
I have been following your blog for years now. It’s embarrassing but I am finally compelled to comment. I love reading your posts because I enjoy your style (sewing, knitting and writing!) and your sense of humour. These Vogue review posts always crack me up!
Yay! Congratulations on your first comment:) 🙂 🙂
LOL, oh my goodness, thank you for this post. Vogue 9299 commentary is perfect! Really!
Thank God I’m not the only one thinking these patterns are goofy.
Emperor’s new clothes anyone?
Looks like they had extra parts & reached in a bag blind & stuck them on willy nilly nothing seems to fit very well & some of the fabric choices are
ugly. I’ve been thinking this about a lot of the pattern & fabrics lately though.
Love your comments about the strange Vogue offerings. Looked at these last night and thought—how frumpy can a company get? The mean art teacher analogy is spot on although for me it was unusual music teacher who dressed like this. Only extremely young and thin models can get away with such frump. And I agree with the excessive sleeves all through me made and RTW offererings. Can you imagine doing anything in those sleeves? They are like stiletto heels—they render women useless for useful activity.
Ha, ha, ha! They’re totally ridiculous! How can they be so void of inspiration????
The flying squirrel LOL the best. The only thing I think is wearable is V1575. That red top has a lot of potential…the dress does not disgust me…reminds me of Neena from Seamwork for $3
OMG yer killing me! Thanks for turning my mood around. This day was going no where fast! PS when are you coming to teach in Seattle?!
lol I’d love to come out there but I haven’t found a shop who is able to host me! Can’t teach if I don’t have a space to teach in 🙂
Pacific Fabrics at Northgate?
Totally behind ending the cold shoulder trend, and polo necks withe the upper chest bit cut out – why?
Haaaaha! You’re surely familiar with Mystery Science Theater 3000? About two comments in that popped into my head! I have kinda gotten so used to visualizing (translating) how all the pieces would have to be styled in my world, I’ve forgotten how silly they look to most of us. Thank you for injecting some humor back into it for me, you’re spot on!
Have missed your Vogue critiques–so glad to see this one. Agree that there is nothing here that I will purchase. I never had an art teacher like that, but my daughter’s third-grade teacher was an unbelievable control freak. She would not let the children finish their projects–she did it for them. Every art project that year was absolutely perfect–meaning no child had a part in actually finishing it. What kind of person does that for 28 kids during an entire school year???
Clearly someone who has no business teaching! That is so bizarre!!
OMG you crack me up!! total agreement about the COLD SHOULDER!!! there isn’t anything pretty about someone’s shoulder sticking out of the shirt!!! DEAR LORD!!
AGREED! and wow… some of these patterns.. if I made them my husband wouldn’t be able to breath – he would be laughing so hard!
OMG, I was thinking my dislike of cold-shouldered tops and huge fluffy sleeves was an “old lady over 55 years old thing” (haha)! Thanks for letting me know better. Love your Vogue pattern reviews!
i am not over 55 just yet, but seriously that cold shoulder look is so NOT on.
So sad. The only pattern I liked was the red dress. But, at 5 feet 2 inches, this dress would look ridiculous on me
Oh my GOD… i didnt have that Art Teacher, but i had that Fashion Design teacher! and YES she would change your designs on you.
also, do they have a competition for “worst possible fabric to make this outfit in”? because i swear a lot of the patterns (not just Vogue) are nice in the old illustrations or line drawings, but the fabric they chose is awfui! like the vintage dress with the old lady floral
Mmmm. Delightful offerings. Also thought I was the only one that hated the cold shoulder thing. I feel vindicated.
I’m not much of a commenter but I just have to say how much I enjoyed this post!!! I snorted out loud when I got to the Seinfeld pic – spot on! Thanks for the laughs.
I am totally with you. I hate, hate the cold shoulder. It looks awful on everyone! This post was fun.
Agree totally!
Well you can’t have my tots. Get your own. Gosh!
“Freakin’ idiot!”
When I saw 9299 I thought of you, LOL. And. I had to make my husband take a look too…
I’m assuming that floral thing has a seam all down the front. Have Vogue never heard of pattern matching? I’m with you with the ugly cold shoulder thing, but you’d have thought they could at least have a sample made up that was sewn properly!!
Move over everyone, I need to get on that ‘I hate cold shoulders’ train too!
I kinda like the flying squirrel dress. At least it’s a bit different to the evening shift dress, aka sparkly sack. It would be great for all-you-can-eat buffets. I wonder, with the right fabric, could you rock it with ankle boots? Hmm, maybe not. I’m also imagining this in some drapey silk velvet (there’s a bolt in my local fabric rabbit hole that has been there forever, nobody buys any, and I stroke it every time I go in). But if I went velvet, I’d have to make a matching turban for when I hit my crazy old lady time.
I 100% approve of a velvet flying squirrel dress with a matching turban, just so we are clear here.
I enjoyed this post so much that I didn’t look up while reading on my bus ride home and missed my stop by several stops :p So so good!!!
Great post, I laughed out loud! Count me among the cold shoulder haters…enough already. I find the last pair of pants to just be confusing to look at, but that first pair? Why would you want to highlight that pocket with a dark trim? It looks like an arrow pointing to her crotch. But the striped version of Seinfeld’s puffy shirt is the worst…WTF.
Coming out as a fellow cold shoulder hater!
OK, I have an Ann Demeulemeester version of your Repilcant shirt and now I feel embarrassed for loving it, haha.
(but I do HATE those round cut-out cold shoulders. they were EVERYWHERE in my office last year and they just looked so wrong.)
Don’t feel embarrassed! Stand proud and love what you love!
Hooray! Finally someone else who dislikes the “cold shoulder” thing. Nobody looks good in that, and it is POINTLESS.
Hate cold shoulder. I understand why it got popular. But, it’s everywhere and I was over it from jump. Just as I was over twist tops. I will wear that flying squirrel dress and have people ask me if I’m pregnant. DON’T KURR. It’s crazy and I’m into it.
the puffy shirt – yep! I’m definitely getting tired of the sleeve stuff. perhaps a conspiracy by fabric makers to get us to use more 🙂 and the last pants, no no never….
Howling. The Poet shirt!
I also don’t understand the cold shoulder trend. I actually saw a blazer without shoulders and I was just stunned… in a bad way. Split sleeves? Yes. Cutting out holes where your shoulders go? No.
I also hate dropped shoulder seams, so I’m waiting for those to go away too.
Wait… has nobody commented on the tennis balls that are visible in the background??!!
100%! Thanks for the delightful review.
The not fun, control freak art teacher: oh yeah, I had one of those; my son had one of those; it seems they are never out of style. Pity. The grey stripe number reminds me of a prison chain gang. I can tolerate the puffy sleeves, but that striped fabric leaves be cold. Thanks for the preview, though!
But I don’t wanna look like a pirate!!
That coat looks like something from the Golden Girls!! I kinda like the flying squirrel, though. Lol
Big nope on cold shoulder.
Excellent reviews! I LOVE your sense of humor with these reviews but this time I was really laughing hard especially about the art teacher outfit!!!!!!! You got the outfit and the horror of the teacher pegged! Thank you for taking the time to do this!
Dang. There is a lot of nonsense going on with these patterns. Sorry Vogue, but these are fails in my eyes.
Lee.
Dear god, that’s horrible. Does anyone actually buy that? And then make these garments? And wear them? And show up in public? I think I can draw patterns for clothes just as unappealing with my eyes closed.
I also detest cold shoulders and I don’t get ripped jeans. I mean when my fave pair rips, I still wear it, but I wouldn’t intentionally buy ripped ones. I only like strategically placed openings as vents – for example in my 2-layered waterproof windproof winter jacket. The option to open the zips under armpits come very handy when commuting by bicycle in winter.
Bahahahahahaha, Loved this post. this just made my morning!!!!
Thank you for the hyphen in “weird-ass pockets” to differentiate them from weird ass pockets, although since those pants give her front butt, that wouldn’t be completely wrong here.
Hilarious
I like the cold shoulder look and I don’t care if you think I’m lame for it! Actually I kinda do care, but I’m gonna sew what I want anyway, really really freakin’ slowly, so the look will be waaay out of style by the time I’m done. God damnit, I need to find some sewing time. Love these posts! I see potential in the flying squirrel pattern. Maybe. Have you ever seen a flying squirrel? I didn’t realize we had them here in the southeast until I saw one and my brain exploded. It was so cute and weird.
Loved, loved, loved your critique! Laughed my a** off!!! Hilarious!!!
so I think the consensus is that cold shoulder is stupid….but we have ugly elbows. My offering to the trend people then is to make elbow scrunchies to hide that unseemly part of our bodies. Yes, we can wear them with tank tops (the kind that show our worn out bra straps) and ever make coordinating ones for our neck wrinkles …..hmmm, now how about them ankles…..?