Happy Monday, everyone! I just want y’all to know that I passed my kidney stone over the weekend (and yes, it’s a big deal, and yes, I know y’all were just sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for an update), so let’s celebrate! Vogue has graciously decided to gift us with a new season of patterns! Hope you made a strong cup of coffee for this one.
Vogue 8943
This is inoffensive, it just looks exactly like a lace dress they released a couple of years ago.
Vogue 8947
Galaxy dress, much?
Vogue 8952
Briar, much?
Vogue 8950
Ensis Tee, much?
Vogue 1368
Again, it’s not bad, but the styling is something else. A matching skirt and top set made in bright purple with tinsel running through it? Oook, Vogue.
Vogue 8951
What’s with the buttflap, tho?
Vogue 8944
Ok, THAT is cute.
Vogue 8949
Oooh, this too!
Vogue 8946
Someone pls explain to me why you would take a pattern with a million tucks and pleats and other interesting details, and make it up in the busiest fabric you can find.
Vogue 1372
For the Michelin man in all of us.
Vogue 1373
Don’t worry about the other arm, she can totally handle the cold.
Vogue 8960
Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize the ugliest part of the 90s was back.
Vogue 8957
OH GOD, THE 80S TOO.
Vogue 1377
This is probably the only time you will ever hear me say this, but this is least-worst Koos Van Den Akker pattern I’ve ever seen.
Vogue 8961
Woof.
Vogue 1378
Just being nitpicky – I don’t think that’s a flattering length.
Vogue 8953
Still being nitpicky, but this is not a winter top?
Vogue 8955
I don’t hate this, I just hate that it is PANTS. Whyyyyyy.
Vogue 8945
Nope.
Vogue 8954
lol, this is seriously one of the worst ones in this collection. Like, wtf is even going on here? That shit looks like a SPIDERWEB.
Vogue 1375
Hm, ok.
Vogue 1376
Vogue: Still trying to make the danglies happen.
Vogue 8964
I guess it wouldn’t be a proper Vogue photoshoot without a random shirtless man.
Vogue 8966
That’s it, I quit.
LLADYBIRD 
Ok…I weirdly like the giant pants. I feel like it’s a circle skirt for winter.
BUT THAT ORANGE FLEECE HAT! Oh my god. RIGHT ON THE FRONT one of the seam allowances isn’t sewn flat. Like…if you’re going to have seams on the outside, AT LEAST MAKE THEM LIE FLAT.
That color block dress is super cute though.
HAHA I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE THAT.
Oh my, I scrolled back for the orange hat seam and WOW INDEED!
But seriously, there’s not a single pattern here I’d buy… It’s either fugly or I could draft it myself in the time it would take to cut the pattern pieces. No thanks.
Vogue 8966 – how in the holy crap did that even get approved. What in the world was the pattern-approver-person smoking when that came across his desk and he said, “That is fantastic! PRINT!” (I say it’s a him because any woman in her right mind would have wadded this up, and thrown it at the person that delivered it.)
The hats are for the German market. (I’m so prejudiced. Sorry.)
Oh no, please don’t quit! I love reading your concise reviews. Congratulations on the kidney stone!! Hope you’re back to feeling 100%.
I guess this explains why models always look so pouty…
THE HATS!!!! The highlight of this season’s collection, for sure. I giggle every time I scroll past them. That or the giant plastic trashbag dress, aka Vogue 1372
Ahhhh!!! Those hats! Hilarious!
You know you’re gonna go and buy the hat pattern. You know it.
I bought 1378 and except for the odd slits on the pants, I am pretty excited to see it come together. You made me re-look at 1368! I think that could be cute if someone did it in nice fabric -aka- no tinsel.
8949 is gorgeous. Just gorgeous.
Oh and 8955? Holy cow if that were a skirt it would be effing AMAZING!
those hats really defy reason… color blocked dress (8944) i love! awesome review, as always, and hope you’re back to feeling well!
Your reviews are fabulous – and spot on. Thanks.
Ha! Ha! You’ve made me laugh out loud…spot on comments, are some of these for real?
I think I will be needing 8955 this winter… For all the balls that I’ll be riding my bicycle to…?
Seriously though, I kinda dig that it’s pants. If I was taller than 5’1″, I would seriously consider the floor-length skirt*psych*pants trend.
I totally agree with you. I have no idea why I like 8955 but I seriously do. I think I’d omit the underpant and just make them full, swirly delightful pants. I don’t know. I really want them and I think in the right fabric it would have the effect of a long skirt.
So funny, Lauren! Even more of a giggle, there is another blogger ( no names here) whose likes and hates are exactly the opposite of yours! That is the beauty of making your own stuff isn’t it? You can have exactly what you want even if someone else thinks it is monkey butt ugly. By the way, my taste more closely mirrors yours. Those vests are a travesty.
Haha that’s so funny! I love seeing people make up patterns that I initially hate – usually, it just takes another stylist (aka, not Vogue’s) to show me the light. I want to know what they think of the hats, though. Find out and report back to me 😉
I have both the hat pattern and the multi-seamed vest pattern. I’ve made up a couple of the hats, and if made with care and good fabric, they turn out quite nice. Lots of compliments so far.
But then, I’m a big fan of German lagenlook and Japanese layer look styles, and I am finally old enough to not care if people think I have no taste, etc.
I’d love to see one of your made-up hats. It’s hard for me to tell if the pattern is any good, but then again – I’m looking at them made up in hideous polar fleece with unpressed seams, so everything looks bad at that point 🙂
I have personal objections to Polar Fleece 😛 I’m planning two to make soon, one out of a black/grey chevron flannel, and one out of some leftover merino jersey.
Ok…I was dying when I read the buttflap comment because I saw the photo and thought “that’s a cute top, but what’s up with the little flap in the back?” I had a good laugh with that one 😉
So glad you got rid of that awful kidney stone. I’ve never had one, but I heard they suck!!! I hope I have as much luck with my awful medical issues 🙂 Turns out I’ve had Lyme for years and didn’t know it, only found out because my knee swelled up randomly. I get to find out what we have to do about it today 🙂
Eep, good luck! I hope it’s good news 🙂
All I can think of for the pant-skirt-thing is how perfect it would be for this situation http://whenyouworkatamuseum.tumblr.com/post/66611623764/the-opening-reception-for-the-new-exhibition-starts-in
As long as you don’t take large steps and it’s the full length in a dark color, who is going to know (or care) it’s not a skirt? Sounds great if you need to chase drunk people out an exhibit (totally a possibility in museums)
I like the way you think!
That was funny! Very direct, as it needed to be… made me laugh out loud for the first time today and it’s 15.45 here. Ta muchly 🙂
Yep, some are truly awful (orange dress, blue 1/2 poncho dress). Most are suffering from poor styling choices. I wonder how much ‘originality’ is left in fashion sometimes, but Vogue should be doing better. Many of these I have seen, in one version or another, in Burdastyle.
Bwwwaaahahahaha! Vogue 8964 is actually the newest in plastic surgery. Ugly fleece hides the knob on the top of her head.
I am literally cackling at those hats. There was nothing you could caption them with that was as deafening as your silence. awesome. Congrats on the passing of the jewel in the crown
Whaaaat!!! I laughed at this so much I nearly peed myself! Those hats omfg where did they come from! I feel Vogue are so behind it with the patterns they should be called pouge or something!
What the hell are those hats??!
My gosh! Great review! Vogue has become ‘meh’ and I just don’t see anything to get excited about. And, the hat patterns are in the Lark publication, The Hat Book – Vogue just ripped them off – in my opinion.
They’ve been doing a lot of ripping off with this collection, so that doesn’t surprise me.
Your commentary made me laugh out loud at work, and my coworkers are like, “What?” And I’m like, “Um, funny cat videos online for pet food research?”
I would have snorted water out my nose if I’d been drinking. Thanks for posting.
Vogue used to be the standard for classic design and couture technique. What happened?????
They got lazy 😛
All these patterns look like the $1.99 quick and easy patterns! The hats, well my grand kids wouldn’t even play with them.
Yay, I was eagerly waiting this post.
I guess Vogue is running out of idea. I wonder who is the person that buys their hats pattern, most of them look crapped out. I’m just saying.
I might be the only one that likes the hakama pants. Those suckers are comfortable as hell. However, I think it is style wrong and model on the wrong person. I don’t think they work well as part of an American’s everyday wardrobe. Would have been perfect for my Soi Fong costume.
Vogue 8953, is either for Cali Vogue sewer or staple plus size top. My vote is for the latter.
Yay, for passing that bastard
Happy to hear your stone has passed and you’re now (hopefully) pain free!
Those hats at the end are the worst! I can understand trying something different than a basic hat design – but none of those are flattering and seriously… why?!
a strong cup of coffee and a keyboard spray-guard…! and congratulations on your momentous passage. you rock- Kimbersew
Ha, your commentary is always spot-on. I must say, though, that those crazy big pants made me stop and think. I work for an arts organization that puts on huge, glamorous galas in order to raise some money for opera education (yay!) and we staffers must wear evening attire while working super hard running around and hauling the occasional box. Pants that maybe look like a dress? Could it work? I have a feeling they wouldn’t actually look like a skirt and I would be dissatisfied, but maybe?
Bwahahaha! I nearly fell out my my seat laughing! Nice commentary! Brava, Lauren!
Thank you for making me laugh today.
Haha, this is even worse than Vogue knitting…
I only like the 8944 pattern. That’s really cute, the rest is kind of meh.
But is’t sad that the back is only one piece. It’s not that hard to adjust, so why didn’t they do it?
Oh, that is just lame. Meh.
Thanks for the laughs! But seriously, those patterns are what is wrong with the sewing world today. No person with any semblance of style whatsoever would make 90% of the crap the big 4 put out. If pattern makers want to attract younger, new sewists and in turn sell more patterns, how about releasing relevant, fresh patterns that normal people would want to purchase/wear?!
I keep saying, they should hire ME to sew and style their new collections. Of course,they won’t, not after all the shit I’ve been spewing at them for the past few years haha
That may be the very reason to hire you… as the saying goes, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” HAHAHAHA 🙂
also…. dem hats…..
Ha! Shirtless man is the only picture that refused to load on my computer. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume it’s not worth refreshing the page for…
Those hats… why did they even bother? There are some horrid patterns in this collection – but at least there is a shirtless man.
oh gosh the 80’s are back!!?? haha. How do these things even get passed…don’t big pattern companies do focus groups or something??
Thanks for the chuckle at work, in all not a great collection. Come on though, give 1372 a chance! ha!
Those hats look like some paper shit a kindergartener concocted at craft time. That seam allowance should have been some quality controller’s pink slip. And the 80s and 90s? Haven’t we learned our lessons folks? Really.
Oh my….That trash bag dress is bonkers, so are the hats. Thanks for the awesome commentary to utter ridiculousness.
Yeah, I reacted much the same as you. For a non-dress wearer, there really wasn’t anything to like.
Hahaha! Thats actually all I have to say! :p
Oh, your post made me laugh! The hats are hilarious! Someone had to approve these patterns – really makes you wonder – What were they thinking? [and congrats on getting rid of the kidney stone!]
I’ve never seen a amore revolting collection. Thanks for showcasing them in all their glory! The only thing I would make would be the ‘skater type dress 8944.
Oh god that is too funny! Vogue patterns, your styling is generally truly hideous. Sack your stylist… And some of you pattern designers!
And hire meeee instead! 😀 haha
Oooo yes… random shirtless man… what size do they come in?!
oh god, those hats…
i do want the lady pants, though.
Please make them in something crazy and colorful. On you, I think I would be ok with them.
Bahahahhahahha oh my
Yay on passing your kidney stones. Those suck like no other. Oh my, those hats? I don’t know anyone that would wear them. I like the lace dress even though it looked similar to the one from two years ago. I don’t know the difference because I only started sewing again at the beginning of this year. It would be a great Christmas dress, if I had Christmas parties to go to. 😛
OMG when the top of that random topless man appeared on my screen I almost died cos I thought for a sec it was a topless WOMAN!! OMG.
HAHAHAA!!
Hello, I’ve been following your blog for a little while and I always enjoy reading you and looking at your lovely creations, but I had to say that the Michelin comment really cracked me up, hahah!
Needed a stronger coffee @_@ 8944 & 8949 were utter winners, the rest MY GAWD! What were they thinking!!
Hurray for the indie pattern makers making patterns we want to make!
You crack me up!
Really.
I agree about this being a particularly unfortunate group of patterns/ideas.
Glad the stone has passed at last, I have heard how painful that can be.
Keep writing.
Hahaha thanks for the laughs! Before I discovered indie patterns, these were the kinds of patterns that I had to bend my mind around in order to imagine making them look even vaguely attractive. Hideous! Congrats on the kidney stone, by the way.
It’s like Vogue went back into the archives and grabbed the tackiest patterns they could and ‘wa-la’…their new collection! Bleech.
That colorblock dress has promise, and I don’t hate the lace dress, either. WHY do designers insist on throwing out tucks, gathers and other details AROUND THE STOMACH AREA? Seriously, people…this is NOT where you want extra fabric – at least not for most of us. The ‘hats’ look like a home ec project gone really bad…!
Thanks for bringing us up to date on the latest stuff! At least the models aren’t posed in such wacky settings this time. Nothing could top those models-in-the-windows collection of a couple seasons back…!
Which are you going to make?
BTW…I think someone should consider stripping buying rights from whoever chose most of those fabrics – especially that awful blue metallic thing! Just an opinion.
your commentary. I die. I think this is the best blog I’ve read all day. 🙂
Hahaha amazing! The hats! The haaaaats… I’m dying!
“I like your sleeves. They’re real big.”
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YI1W6uTJRNk&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DYI1W6uTJRNk
*chuckle*
fucking hilarious. the hubs and I just had a laugh cry on the couch…. thanks!
I have a cold and feeling sorry for myself, but this post made me smile. These patterns stink so bad.
Congratulations on passing the stone – and LOL. That is all.
Excepting the topless man, everything is so, mmmhh, outmoded, and the fabrics…. =_=
Glad you healed 😉
My favourite part of new pattern releases is reading your blog posts. You rock. Keep up the good work.
Wow Lauren that was amazing.. I’m seriously spilling my coffee over, out of control LOL. 🙂 You’re brilliant.
I sometimes wonder when Vogue is going to get their act together and realize that the majority of seamstresses today want to buy Independent patterns, not their designs that are repeats every single season (and seriously hard to follow). But then again, it wouldn’t give us something to laugh about everyone couple of months, would it? 😉
You’d be funny reading the Yellow pages. Priceless : )
Dear god! This may well be the worst collection in recent memory. At least there was 8949. I am going to buy that one as I have a ton of lace I have been hoarding. Other than that… Glad to hear the stone is gone! Did you save it?
I DID! hahaha before you think I’m just the most disgusting person ever, I saved it because I’m going to have it tested to see what caused it – so it won’t happen again. Neverrrrr again!
I think we should start an online petition to force Vogue to hire you!
I’ll support that! 🙂 haha!
Thank you. Once again you made me laugh so hard!
Other than the really stupid hats and the 2 awful coats, I don’t see how any of this is winter wear. And the Hefty bag dress has got to go. Who thought that was not only cute enough for one person to make and wear but thought it was so fab that everyone would be dying to have one, so here, have a pattern?! Yuck. And they are still doing the sparkly bits. Who at Vogue is having 80s flashbacks? I look forward to your reviews every month. Thanks for the laughs.
WTF. Who put me in a time machine? These patterns are awful, awful, awful.
And the best thing? Here in Australia we get the privilege to pay through the nose for these.. Don’t think so.
(people are looking at me strangely on the train platform, maybe cause I am LMAO over those hats)
As always, spot on.
You can order from the Vogue US website! (really useful when they have a $4.99 sale). Shipping is a bit steep, just make sure to max out the number of patterns you can get for the shipping price and it works out way cheaper than buying here.
Actually I was on the website last night.. 10 patterns $35. Delivery $55! (Australia). Hubbie did say that it still works out cheaper than buying them here..still may do it.
Haha! Vogue, stop trying to make danglies happen. They’re not going to happen!
Total Mean Girls reference right there. 😛 But this collection is absolutely ridiculous. Way to go Vogue -_-
I’m so glad your kidney stone passed! I’ve been thinking of you, so much so I dreamt we went fabric shopping together and you were suffering from your kidney stone in the dream too. You poor thing.
Those hats, holy shit. Vogue, why do you do these things? 8946 makes the poor model look sideways pregnant, terrible fabric choice.
Some of those patterns made me lol, and I have totally ordered the maxi skirt-pants one already. I MUST HAVE THEM IN MY LIFE. Ahem.
I’m also considering ordering the briar-alike because it looks like it’s a much more oversized cut, and as I’m an L in Megan Nielsen already I’d struggle to get that cut out of briar. (Not very good with amending patterns yet either)
That frilly bolero thing (8957)? Can you move with that on? Ooh, it must look and feel lovely underneath a winter coat…
I don’t know who is running the design team nor how they manage to get it so wrong every time.
I am starting to suspect that Vogue has discovered your blog and only comes up with this shit to keep you going. Because I can’t stand to live in a world where anyone thinks this is stylish.
Just found your blog. Love!
And do you happen to know how I can get selling rights for those hats? I’m going to make a FORTUNE!…
I can’t even begin to comprehend the hats, but perhaps the most confusing part of the entire collection is the full holiday party makeup and jewelry with a hoodie lol! What’s with that??
gosh, I wouldn’t want to be caught dead in those hats :s I totally agree with your comments, quite disappointing collection really…
always love your reviews of the new patterns which this morning made me snort coffee because of laughing too much. so agree, especially when they combine crazy busy fabrics with a pleated tucked dress….what are they hiding?
8954 makes me sad because it looks like their inspirations might have been things I would like. It just had to go through the crazy machine. 😦
Thank you… you have no idea how much I needed that today! (So glad you’ve delivered your kidney stone – as a L&D nurse I have seen pain, but I have never seen pain like kidney stone pain. Sorry you have to go through it, glad it’s over for now.) I appreciate all that you do, and am rarely moved to comment. But today this just hit the spot and I had to. Keep being you!
Aw! Thank you! 🙂
I was having an awful day the other day (my car was broken to the extent I had to leave it at work and find another way home!), and this post gave me a good laugh and really cheered me up 🙂 thanks Lauren!
Oh, yuck, I’ve definitely been there before! Glad I was able to help, at least with morale 🙂
hahahahaha I just spat at my screen.
Oh god the hats the hats my eyes are hurting argh its awful and then someone pointed out the manky seam allowance on the orange one make it stop make it stop!!!!