Soooooo Vogue just released their fall/winter sewing patterns. (Un?)Forunately, they aren’t too bad this time around. Not a lot of snark here; these are actually pretty boring & blah and ughh I almost didn’t bother posting because I was just so fucking underwhelmed. Seriously – even Koos van den Akker appears to have left the crazy at home this time. But, I dunno, it’s a slow day & the requests have started trickling in so I’ll just consider this my Treat to y’all. No tricks, please!
One thing that stuck out to me this go-round was the sheer amount of unnecessarily frivolous patterns.
Vogue 8858
Such as… oh, I don’t know, this flamingo flamenco skirt?
Vogue 8850
Or this vintage repro – while beautiful, I just don’t see a modern woman waltzing around the office with a giant slab of fabric hanging off her waist like a forgotten napkin. Or am I just being a bitter old hag here? Maybe it’s the cheap shiny satin, but this pattern is getting the serious side-eye from me right now.
Vogue 8853
A flowy ruffled blouse with a matching flowy ruffled caplet in the same eye-bleedingly busy print? SIGN ME UP.
Vogue 8846
Or perhaps you fancy a dress with a built-in cape? It is Halloween, after all.
Vogue 1335
Buzz Lightyear, to the rescue!
Vogue 8868
I know everyone is freaking out over the fascinators, and I’m not going to rain on your parade for fear y’all are gonna eat me alive.
All I am gonna say is, it looks like the black-eyed children have finally found a way to be invited into your home (spooky link alert, FYI!)
Vogue 1334
Nothing earth-shattering here, only the most unflattering outfit I think I’ve ever seen.
Vogue 1332
REAL TALK: This straight-up looks like a vagina.
Vogue 8855
Wonderful pocket place y’all got there!
Vogue 8867
They finally did away with the randumb giant leaves this time, and instead settled on using decapitated arms.
Vogue 8869
“BLIIIINDED BY THE LIGHT- WRAPPED UP LIKE A DOUCHE, ANOTHER BONER IN THE NIGHT~”
LLADYBIRD 
Oh my lord, I’ve never laughed so hard! The designer’s mood board for this must have been titled Lady-parts As Outerwear.
I oh so agree! Yeow!
So much coffee just came out of my nose. “Real Talk: this straight up looks like a vagina” is going to casually be introduced in conversation by me today. Somehow. Also, wrapped up like a douche….. ha ha. Your jokes are the only thing preventing me from throwing things at my computer though. This is the worst Vogue offering I’ve ever seen. Only one pattern I wouldn’t throw up on (that colour blocked hooded jacket was actually cute). The rest? Set it on fire.
I liked the Vintage repro – but yea, the shiney satin is a little too forced.
I couldn’t tell if that Vogue 8853 was supposed to be a maternity top or not. That having been said, I actually AM pregnant and wouldn’t be caught dead in that thing.
Agree with you on the new Vogue patterns. Maybe the spirit of Halloween just overtook their designers, but there was much in this collection that just seemed…well, wtheck! The Buzz Lightyear (aka straight jacket) was just ridiculous. And I’m sure I don’t want to see any woman trot into the office or to tea wearing the number with the random fabric dragging on one side. And those pockets…someone actually planned that out.
Come on, Vogue…let’s not make this look like a bad home sewing show. What about churning out actual stylish designs that look trendy, classic, fabulous – anything but the stuff that might just SCREAM home sewing disaster!
Noticed that they followed the introduction with a big sale on the patterns…!
(I might just save this post as justification for any of my own total sewing disasters!)
The vintage one is nice, just not in that horrible fabric. It’s actually very similar to a gorgeous green dress worn by Marilyn Monroe in “How to Marry a Millionaire”. With the right fabric and that fall in something matte and floaty it could be quite chic. The rest – totally agree!!
Oooh, I like the way you think. It would look totally gorgeous in some matte floaty fabric. Although the market is still pretty slim – I’d wear the shit out of it, anyway 🙂
If you have access to the movie, it’s the scene (at least halfway through) where Marilyn runs into the apartment just as the phone is ringing and drops into a chair to answer it. It’s not a long scene, but it’s one of my favorite movie dresses. The dress is matte but the fall has a bit of sheen – probably using each side of satin backed crepe, actually. And the fall is pleated which I would like to do if using fabric that would take pleating well. Will definitely be picking up this pattern at the next sale!! I have some lovely smoke blue crepe with a piece of chiffon that coordinates that would work. The shoes are lurking in the closet already too…
More like Buzz Lightyear at a mental institution. That white coats scream crazy house.
And apparently someone was channeling Virginia Woolf on the that… Pamela Roland thing…
Yes! It definitely looks like a strait jacket!
I love your pattern round ups Lauren, too too funny. I’d have loved to have seen the mood board they were working from for this collection.
Oh Lord, your comment on that (vagina) cape totally just made my day…LOL. It’s pretty horrible. At least they used a patterned fabric for the sample!
Their poses were *almost* normal, though!! (That’s a good point, amirite? Errr…)
And wait, I forgot to say this – wouldn’t V8849 have looked just stellar with that tail thingie made of some kind of sleek faux fur-??? Bwahahahahahaah!!!
Haha yes! Or better yet… with googly eyes 😀
OMG. I just lost my shit at my desk. Hilariously accurate. Thanks for the treat.
LOL you are totally right – that is a vagina coat if ever I saw one!!! You are HILARIOUS – please do more pattern reviews like this. Kthxbai.
Hahhaha, great review! You’re completely right! What a laugh!
effing hideous. What the hell is wrong with these people? Who makes this crap???
Vogue 1335 – WTF? It’s like a giant straitjacket/prophylactic
Your comments are hilarious! Doesn’t every woman need a vag coat? I agree with Meg– I want more snarky pattern reviews. 😉
(I do not care about fascinators at all btw. Shh.)
Oh my I really need a vagina coat in my life all of a sudden 😀
vogue go home, you’re drunk (not remembering the exact words from a meme does not make it funnier unfortunately :D)
OMG PLEASE MAKE A VAGINA COAT AND REPORT BACK TO ME STAT
Models have to be sooooo thin and then you make them wear Vogue 1334. I’d be pissed.
Yeah, leave it to a shitty Vogue pattern to make even a thin girl look like she’s carrying a bunch of extra weight, ugh.
jajaja, son realmente horribles, sobre todo la chaqueta tipo camisa de fuerza y el vogue 1332… sin palabras. Me he reído mucho con tu mirada crítica tan divertida!!! Lo leeré de nuevo para seguir riéndome!!!
noa-elmundodenoa.blogspot.com
I was fine until I got to the peapod and the vagina description…then I had to quickly lift my iPad out of the way of the streaming Mountain Dew! I thought that was butt ugly too but didn’t see what you saw until you mentioned it and you are so right!
Please never stop being a bitter old hag! The world would be a less hilarious place…
HIllarious! And just what are those opera glasses overt the tattas in V8805? Is there some mad designer at Vogue Patterns pissed as hell at women. Is this what they mean when they say there is a war on women???
Oh Lauren your hilarious. That’s some funny shit. I know better then to read your posts at work.
Fabulously funny! 🙂
The coats look a lot like Comme des Garcons’ F12 “puffy clothes.” The kind of thing only Gaga can wear.
I want to see Gaga in the Vagina Coat. Can someone make that happen!?!?
I had to come back and look at these again. That Kook Van der Crapper thing looks like that dreck you see at art shows referred to as “fiber art”. There must have been half a dozen of those exhibitors at the Mt Gretna Art Show last summer and they all looked the same – exactly like what you pictured above.
Well, now we know where Vogue gets their inspiration… and their buyers, hahaha!
That vagina-jacket hurts my feelings. Sadface.
Ugh Vogue 1334 jumped aboard the Fat People Can’t Be Fashionable boat I see. The shirt could have been really nice if they didn’t add billowy pants that will just make you look fatter. *bitter fat girl*
I like the shirt – and I even sort of like the pants! But *that* wide and *that* cropped? No no no no no!
Yeah, I was surprised at V8855-let’s frame our nipples!
I really want to respond to this with “YAY FOR NIPPLE FRAMES” but obvs I don’t want to encourage them…
All I can say is thanks for a good laugh this afternoon. The vagina and the douche hat really did me in!
I love how their “plus size” model is the one wearing the bag with baggy culottes. You are sooooooo right. Least flattering outfit ever!
UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH! WTF Vogue?! Doesn’t the word “vogue” imply some sort of style?! These are horrific!
You are Brilliant! This was a very sorry line up for Vogue and I have to say that what’s coming from Vogue, McCall’s and Butterick in general these days is making me very mad! They need to do something about the atrocities! Awful!
Thanks for the laugh, that was the only way these patterns could possibly be enjoyable. What a disgusting selection – I used to love the fashion forward designs of Vogue. If the future is Vagina Jackets and Straight Jackets, give me the old days back and fast!
omg you make me laugh! the vagina one and pocket placement…priceless.
phee-ew, thanks for the fun read.
Love your pattern review, I’ve never laughed so much.
Aaah, hilarious! I trash Burda patterns every month, so it’s nice when someone else does the bad talk!
YAY for pattern-trashing! 😀
Thanks, now I have the creeps about these patterns & the black-eyed children. (Seriously, loved your comments, just wish I didn’t click that link!)
Shit, I’m so sorry! I should have put up a scary disclaimer 😦 I’ll do that now.
No ‘sorry’ needed! Still cracking up about the comments – they’re all spot on. Of course I read that, clicked the link and be doing it after a scary-movie marathon on Halloween night….
I can’t help myself, as a dancer, I must implore you to say “flamenco” in the future. Unless you were just being funny, which you do very well… That first dress looked nothing like a pink bird with long legs and a long neck. 🙂
lol OMG I can’t believe that slipped past me. Haha I’m such a dumbass! Thank you for the head’s up, going to correct that now 🙂
I have been eagerly awaiting your Vogue review, and as always, you didn’t disappoint. That coat has scarred me with your anatomical association too!
Sigh. So sad Vogue, so sad. You were always my favourite. I will have to console myself with the 50 or so of your patterns I already have and wait for the next lot to come out and hope for something decent!
I nearly wet my pants… I lost it at the vagina….
Amazing!! I get so excited when I realise it’s going to be one of those posts. You are hilarious… also, now I’ve read about black eyed children and I’m freaked out haha 🙂
I so look forward to these post. They never fail to make me laugh. The vagina comment – haha!
Aaaahhhhhh hahahahha! Its totally a vagina!! I was also so so seriously underwhelmed. Usually I can find SOMETHING from the collection that I’ll take a chance on – but this was just so boring … or bizarre. I kinda like those decapitated arm purses – sans fringe’y accents though…
Legit crying with laughter at your commentary. “This straight up looks like a vagina” has me effing screaming omg.
Also the Buzz Lightyear coat looks like a straight jacket.
you are so right, snort-laughed my morning coffee reading your post. They brought the crazy especially with the dress with the built in cape.
You are absolutely right – it *does* look like a vagina… LOL
Ha! I had to stop at the vagina callout. So true!
heehee – you’re so funny! I was disappointed in the Vogue patterns ~ oh well.
Boyfriend “what are you laughing at, you’re supposed to be asleep?”
Me “oh nothing just a vagina coat”
Boyfriend “I take it back….”
So funny review!%))
I am going to check previous wtf review%)))
Reading this post made my day. 🙂 Love your sendup, love your blog, love your humor.
I love a good vent, but usually isn’t limited to the four walls of my room. Admire your balls in vent publically, but agreed what a sad collection1. Good on you gal!
I’m going to make that vagina coat in a lovely pink wool. Don’t mind the cape dress, styled the right way it may look okay! as for the rest, vomit! Thanks for the laugh Lauren.
Girl, if anyone could rock a vagina coat it would totally be you. Please make it; I want to see!! 😀
The vagina!! AAAHHAHAHA literally loled here
Lmao!!! Good to see you managed to find a few to snigger at – every time I see that hideous white bandage straitjacket I shudder a little lol
I know it’s just me, but, I really like the fascinators.
I like the Vintage pattern V8850, but would not put the sash part on – I will make it with a plain skirt, as I really like the top half of the dress but would not want a floaty sash that would get in my way!
I think V1332 looks like a cock roach shell.
I bought the fascintor, vintage dress, and flamenco skirt. But then again, I dance ballroom and swing – they’ll be worn for special events. I’m wearing the fascinator and dress for a friend’s wedding next week, but half her invites are swing dancers, so there you go.
And that V1332 really does look like a vagina.
OMGGGGGG this is SOOOOOO funny!!!!! Love it 🙂 Now that dang song is in my head-“boner in the night” eh? bahahahahaha
I am working on the fedora in 8869 and the pattern is bad! The brim does not fit over the crown. No luck getting any reply from vogue.
I do this thing where I read an entire blog…like watching a whole series on Netflix and decided to read yours. That vagina coat made me laugh so hard I coughed out my uterus.
I know I’m late to the comments party here, I found your blog a few months ago and am slowly working my way back through it – hope that doesn’t make me seem creepy! Anyway, V8850 was the second dress I ever made. I’m a modern woman, and I positively sashay around the office in it every chance I get, big ol’ napkin hanging off my waist and all! I made it in a pinky-purple gaberdine. I’d go for something with more drape if I were to make it again, but matte is definitely the key, I reckon.