Tag Archives: WTF

New Vogue Sewing Patterns: Winter 2015

5 Oct

If you haven’t heard, Vogue Patterns just released a new collection of sewing patterns a few days ago. I haven’t had a chance to really sit down and take a look at them as I’ve been out of town the last week (where I had a wonderful time teaching in Portland, Maine, and hanging out in Boston with Jenny. Couldn’t have asked for a better week! Hope to post more about it later :) ), but man, this was a nice welcome back. Ha.

Surprisingly (or not, depending on your stance with Vogue), most of the patterns in this collection are relatively tame (and a few are even sorta tasty). I’m a firm believer that winter clothes are far superior to summer clothes (layers and cozy wools and tights and scarves and don’t even get me started on sparkly holiday dresses, wheee!), which may have something to do with my opinion on the new pieces.

Vogue 1475 // Badgley Mischka
Like this shiny piece of opulence. Ain’t no place in my life for a sparkly evening gown, but man, I really like this. I even like the fabric – I think it works really well with the style of the dress.

Vogue 1474 // Tom and Linda Platt
Or how about a bias floor-length gown made in a yummy silk charmeuse? Yes, please!

Vogue 9145 // Claire Shaeffer

Vogue 1468 // Nicola Finetti
Obviously there’s nothing particularly ground-breaking about this design (and I’m starting to get sick of the exposed metal zipper trend on EVERYTHING, sorry not sorry), but I like all the options for colorblocking and using different textured fabrics. Also, do I spy a new designer in the line-up?? YAY.

Vogue 1477 // Sandra Betzina
Love knit tops with interesting neckline detail like this.

Vogue 1479 // Isaac Mizrahi
I know these oversized coats are supposed to be really trendy right now, but they’re just a little too 80s-Power-Career-Woman-With-Strong-Shoulders to me.

Vogue 9160
“Excuse me! My eyes are up here!”

Vogue 1469 // Lia Lia
Even the skinniest model wearing the prettiest dress can’t escape a bad piping placement.

Vogue 1471 // Nicola Finetti
Really beautiful dress, but it should have been worn by a model with similar proportions. The waistline is way too high, yeesh. And if I’m way off my rocker and that’s the way the dress is supposed to look… double yeesh.

Vogue 9149
“We need to figure out a way to re-release this pattern but make it seem new.”
“What if we add a tail?”
“Say no more.”

Those were pretty tame. However, Vogue wouldn’t be Vogue without a little random fuckery thrown in.

Vgoue 9159
“You promised when making these pieces that you’d never wear the two of them together. The lie detector test determined that was a lie.”

Vogue 9153 // Marcy Tilton
I swear to god, every Marcy Tilton pattern is starting to look the exact same.

Vogue 9156
I totally had a pair of purple fuzzy zebra print pants when I was in high school. I guess this answers what ended up happening to them.

Vogue 9162 // Kathryn Brenne
I guess buttflaps are also making a comeback this year.

Vogue 9163
“Bitch, be cool.”

Vogue 1478 // Sandra Betzina
“Well, at least I wouldn’t skin a collie to make my backpack.”

Vogue 9164 // Kathryn Brenne
“I wish this was a hamburger instead.”

Vogue 1473 // Bellville Sassoon
Bellville Sassoon gives you wiiiiiiiings!

Vogue 9165 // Mary Jo Hiney Designs
This has to be the weirdest accessory pattern Vogue has ever released. Custom decorative boxes – complete with a notions list that rivals the entire stock of your local Joann’s. Also, the 9 year old me in is amused that the designer’s name is “hiney.” That is all.

And SPEAKING OF FUCKERY – I saved the very best for last!

Vogue 1472 // Zandra Rhodes
Every single thing about this outfit is insane. I couldn’t tell if that was a skirt or really low-crotch harem pants, until I looked at the line drawing – and was delighted to also discover that the look includes suspenders (to keep the skirt up, I imagine. That thing looks heavy af). And in case you don’t feel sexy when wearing an entire bolt of fabric, there’s a lovely midriff cut-out – the perfect space to allow for a little post-holiday-dinner belly expansion.

What did you think about the new Vogue collection? Anything gorgeous that needs to be a part of your wardrobe? Any random fuckery that makes you want to tear your eyes out? How do you like them new designers? Ahh, Vogue, it’s like you’re giving me Christmas 4x a year. I loves you.

Vogue Spring/Summer ’15 Sewing Patterns

10 Apr

New Vogue Sewing Patterns were just released the other day! What better way to celebrate their arrival (and give myself a little more time to procrastinate getting my shit together, mostly because I CAN’T FIND MY CAMERA REMOTE, ARGH), than to rip apart the latest offerings? :D
V1451Vogue 1451 // Donna Karan
“Hey, Ambular. Was that you going through my laundry?”
V1450Vogue 1450 // Guy Laroche
“As if! Like I would really wear something from Judy’s.”
V1444Vogue 1444 // DKNY
I know there is a whole class of sewists dedicated to making sure that their insides look as pretty as the outside (both hands raised bc I’m totally part of that camp!), but this shit is taking that to the next level.
V1446Vogue 1446 // Rebecca Taylor
Did seriously no one bother to tell this poor girl about the toilet paper stuck to her shoe?
V1454Vogue 1454 // DKNY
Vogue 1454: Includes butt canopy.
V1447Vogue 1447 Tracy Reese
REALLY cute dress pattern, awkward fabric choice.
V9100Vogue 9100
koolaidFirst thing that comes to mind every time I see that damn ripped paper background.
v9108Vogue 9108 // Marcy Tilton
As usual, Marcy Tilton does not disappoint.

V9117Vogue 9117
I’m having a really hard time trying to figure out the storyline behind this photo. Was she working on home renovations before going to lunch?
V1452Vogue 1452
Ladies, if this ensemble isn’t fabulous enough for you, just know that you can also make it out of stretch velour.
V1453Vogue 1453
Sandra Betzina, what the fuck have you done now?
V9115Vogue 9115
V9114Vogue 9114
The perfect pocket for stashing your extra tots.
V9111Vogue 9111
“I have given up.”
V9120Vogue 9120
Introducing the Bellow Bag: For all your accordion-hiding needs.
And finally, check out this trifecta of fuckery: Vogue 9121
V9121aA) Tragic fabric choice? Check.
V9121bB) Unnecessarily long dangly? Check.
V9121cC) Saggy boob illusion? Check.
Vogue. Please don’t ever stop.


(psst! If you haven’t done so already, don’t forget to enter the Sewing for Fashion designers giveaway! Entries close on Monday morning ;) )

Vogue Sewing Patterns: Winter 2014

17 Oct

Well, well, well…  looks like the new Vogue sewing patterns are officially out! Happy day!! :D I’m know I’m late for this one – I hadn’t even realized that the new patterns came out (no shit, this is something that I tend to just randomly discover as I’m perusing blogs. Because, you know, joining the mailing list would be way too easy ), so I’m sorry that this is delayed! Although, to be honest, there’s really not a lot to snark here this go-round. Yay for Vogue, boo for us :) Still, I didn’t want y’all to think that I’d, I dunno, gone corporate or some shit! Since my visit at the McCall Pattern Company offices, I’ve definitely had a much softer spot in my heart for the company and everyone who works there – but that doesn’t mean that we can’t still poke a little fun at ’em :)

One thing to keep in mind (something a lot of us – especially me! – recently learned) – with anything that is a Designer pattern, the garment you are seeing is an actual designer garment. Meaning, Vogue didn’t choose the fabric/notions and sew it up specifically for the pattern cover. It is literally a garment from the designer – labels, price tags, and all – that is being modeled. The pattern is drafted from the exact same garment (which was incredibly fascinating to hear all about), with Vogue sizing and instructions. Anyway, I’m reiterating this because any horrible fabric choices we see on the Designer patterns have nothing to do with Vogue! We should really be ripping the designer a new one (I’ve tried to note which pattern is Designer and who, so you know exactly who to direct your anger toward). That being said, any other Vogue patterns are fair game :P

All right, onto the patterns!

Vogue 1426 // Badgley Mischka

Vogue 1428 // Tom and Linda Platt
The question here is: Do we consider this print placement an epic fail or an epic win?

Vogue 1425 // Pamella Roland
Look at the lace at the hem. Wait for your eye to start twitching. You’re welcome.

Vogue 1427 // Donna Karan
Let’s call this one “Andre the Giant Goes to the Disco!”

Vogue 1422 // Tracy Reese
Here, Vogue decided to show you the prettiest dress/most gorgeous fabric/bestest hair ever in an attempt to distract you from what appears to be someone’s tool shed in the background.

Vogue 1423 // Bellville Sassoon
“What do you mean this isn’t how you wear a thong?”

Vogue 1424 // Rebecca Taylor
I guess the neckline is supposed to be some sort of snappy cutout, but honestly all I see when I look at this is a backwards wifebeater under a tank top.

Vogue 9046
I just wanted to point out that for once, this dress – with all it’s detailing – isn’t made up in some crazy patterned/shiny fabric, aka, you can see what is being modeled here.

Vogue 9066
~Tarp-Chic – taking camping to the next level, one business suit at a time.

Vogue 9072
If I was half this cute when I was a kid, maybe I wouldn’t be the angsty piece of shit I am today.

Vogue 9073
I just don’t know anymore.

Vogue 1429
What the everloving fuck is going on with this fabric.

Vogue 9065
If your lapels are so wide that they cover the shoulders of your SLEEVELESS BLAZER, you’re doing it wrong.

Vogue 1430
No comment on the pattern itself – my question is: Where the hell did they find this fabric, and do you think I can still get my hands on some?

Vogue 9069
Vogue 9096: The only time it’s ever socially appropriate to wear a bathrobe out in public.

Vogue 9057
The neck binding is not flat and that is bothering me way more than I care to admit.

Vogue 9060
Vogue 9060: When bad things Marcy Tilton happens to good people.

Vogue 9059
Frumpsville, population: This chick.

Vogue 9056 & Vogue 9055
So, these are pretty cute – basic knit tops with a few options. Just wondering, though, why the hell they have darts?? I thought that was the whole beauty of knits, that you could eliminate darts (barring giant FBAs or anything like that), and yet here they are. What’s the deal here?

Vogue 9074
Hey! I actually don’t hate this one. Ok, so that purse is definitely not my style, but let’s all just sit back and appreciate that it looks like a REAL PURSE you’d buy at, say, Macy’s. It doesn’t scream homemade – it actually looks pretty legit! (not that there is anything wrong with homemade purses – I’ve made my fair share of quilting cotton bags! But I think it’s safe to say one has definitely leveled up if they managed to make something that looks this pro, you know?). It even has little purse feet! Eee! Thumbs up for this one. I might pick up the pattern just to get a lurk on the instructions.

Vogue 9070
Ughhh I’m going to get so much shit for expressing my distaste – but I hate everything about this! The shape, the fabric, THE DANGLIES!


Anyway- what are your thoughts? See any patterns you love or hate? I gotta say, I’m disappointed to not see any Ralph Rucci :( I was excited to see what they’d come up with.

EDIT Just spoke with Meg (of the McCall Pattern Company fame) and she’s going through some family things right now, so there may be a delay in replies to the comments on her end. Just FYI!

Vogue Patterns 2014: Fall Collection

16 Jul

I actually had a legit blog post planned for today. But then, Vogue went and released their Fall patterns for 2014. Merry Christmas in July, y’all!

Before I go any further, let me address the inevitable “WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO VOGUE OMGGG” comments:


HA! :) Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some snarking to do ;)

Vogue 1416
Well, well! Looks like someone got a discount on that bolt of neon purple polyester satin.

Also, let this be a cautionary tale:
If you don’t properly press your seams, you *will* end up with Vagina Butt.

Vogue 1417
Was 1373 leaving your arm in the cold? No worries, we’ve got that (and yer neck!) covered!

Vogue 1414
I was inclined to like this until I realized the top has a boob flap. Why, Vogue. Why.

Vogue 9035
I don’t get this. I understand that the designer was trying to do something funky with the seaming details, but the overall effect is that she made a bunch of mistakes and half-assed trying to fix them.

Like, look at that cuff. JUST LOOK AT IT.

Vogue 1410
Well, that just looks stupid.

Vogue 1407
This is actually REALLY cute and I can totally see Carolyn rocking the shit out of it.

Vogue 1408
Ack, I love this one too! It would look awesome with a contrasting fabric to really show off all those seam details.

Vogue 1409
So, the seamlines+color scheme+texture (I’m guessing it’s stretch velvet?) on this dress totally makes me think of a saber toothed tiger. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I guess, if you’re into that sort of thing. I tried to Google y’all a picture of a saber toothed tiger just to prove my point… and instead I came across this:

Yes, you saw that right. That is Richard Nixon punching a saber toothed tiger.

There’s also this amazingness from the same artist. HOLY SHIT THIS GUY IS AWESOME.

Thanks, Google!

Ok, back to Vogue…

Vogue 1404
Hm, could be hit or miss.


The topstitched hem is pretty snazzy, amirite? High five, Vogue!

Vogue 1419
Not really sure how I feel about this one. It’s very different and I do like that. I can’t stand the sleeves, though. All I want to do is grab that underarm excess and pinch it.

Vogue 1406
Yo Vogue, your epileptic fabric choices mean I CAN’T SEE SHIT!

Vogue 9040
I just wanted to point out that, again, the wall is collapsing around her. They really should hire a building inspector to take a look at that place before someone gets hurt.

Vogue 9038
I swear to God, this is LITERALLY a rectangle of fabric with a cutout down the middle.

Vogue 1413
No, Vogue, you can’t do that – that’s just cheating.

Vogue 9029
WAY too many ruffley/dangly options, but all in all – not half bad. I’d sew it!

Vogue 9036
Way to take a really cool pattern and make it look like a throwback to the embarrassing part of the early 90s.

Vogue 1411
Whaaaaaaat! These are awesome.

Vogue 9028
Who the hell puts an invisible zipper (aka not a design element) in a knit top? What the fuck.
Side note: I just made the mistake of staring at her bun, and now I’m lost in a vortex of swirling hair. Magic!

Vogue 9031
Who draws these things, anyway? Like, who sat there and thought, “Hmm, you know what this skirt needs? LEOPARD PRINT*.”

(*y’all know I fucking love leopard print. But, as with everything good, there is a time and a place. This was not the time, nor the place.)

Vogue 9037
I am convinced that they just rephotograph/redraw this every season and call it new.

Vogue 9024
Even the model can’t figure out where the other half of her peplum went.

Vogue 9021
For me, going through the Vogue patterns from top to bottom is like browsing Netflix. The first few rows are attention grabbing, but as you go down, they get progressively worse.

Vogue 9018

Vogue 9020

Vogue 9033

Vogue 9042
Can we discuss how utterly ADORABLE these little kids patterns are, though?

Vogue 9043
Like, holy shit, I think they almost brought my shriveled up ovaries back to life.

Vogue 9041
And, you know… in case you forgot where babies come from, Vogue is here to remind you.

Vogue 9044
This will be very useful for those days when you have no pockets or purse and need to stash things in your hat.

Vogue 9045
Lord, Vogue, haven’t we already discussed this?

Whatever. Don’t let me stop you.

In other Vogue news, I noticed that Vogue is taking notes for a future sewalong, as well as a giveaway for one of the new patterns (they didn’t ask me to promote this, btw. Just noticed and figured some of y’all would be interested!). They’ve really been pushing the social media lately and I think it’s awesome! Just, you know… keep releasing a healthy dose of wtf patterns and/or envelope with wacky styling, please. I need something to entertain me.

What do you think about these new patterns? See any you love or love to laugh at?

Vogue Patterns 2014 Spring/Summer Collection

6 Jan

The new Vogue collection can actually be summed up in one word: Zzzzzzz….

Forreal, don’t fall asleep while browsing these.

Vogue 8972
Despite how boring this looks in the picture, it’s actually pretty great – lots of customization options for the skirt and sleeves, and it would look really cool with some fabric colorblocking. I definitely plan on picking up a copy for myself. Yay Vogue! U did it!

Vogue 1381
Hm, looks familiar

Voge 8990
Even though it totally looks like a cross between a laptop case and a Bible holder, I gotta give Vogue props for making a handbag pattern that actually looks like something people would carry. Kind of, anyway.

Vogue 1383
Macaron with bonus danglies!

Vogue 8987
Could be useful if you needed a sew a uniform for your boyfriend who works at a country club, I guess.

Vogue 1379
That giant armhole looks like a portal that leads straight to hell.

Vogue 8973
I think this might be cute, but holyeeee shit how unflattering does it look on the model??

Vogue 8974
Seriously, are they putting forth any effort whatsoever?

Vogue 1389
Like, this actually looks cool as shit when you look at the line drawings, but would you ever guess that from just seeing the picture?

Vogue 8969
Apparently they’re not even trying to make the super stylized/unrealistic line drawings even look flattering anymore.

Vogue 8970
I rest my case.

Vogue 1385
Vagina neckline.

Vogue 8981
This is so stupid, it’s actually making me a little angry.

Vogue 8982
I also irrationally hate this; the asymmetrical hem just looks like they fucked something up during the sewing process. Whyyyy.

Vogue 1388
I don’t necessarily hate this jacket, it’s just confusing the shit out of me. Looks like a combination jacket and vest? Help?

Vogue 8984
I… what.

Vogue 8975
That gif about sums up how I feel.

So, what do you think? Anyone else fall asleep yet?

Vogue Patterns 2013 Winter Collection

11 Nov

Happy Monday, everyone! I just want y’all to know that I passed my kidney stone over the weekend (and yes, it’s a big deal, and yes, I know y’all were just sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for an update), so let’s celebrate! Vogue has graciously decided to gift us with a new season of patterns! Hope you made a strong cup of coffee for this one.

Vogue 8943
This is inoffensive, it just looks exactly like a lace dress they released a couple of years ago.

Vogue 8947
Galaxy dress, much?

Vogue 8952
Briar, much?

Vogue 8950
Ensis Tee, much?

Vogue 1368
Again, it’s not bad, but the styling is something else. A matching skirt and top set made in bright purple with tinsel running through it? Oook, Vogue.

Vogue 8951
What’s with the buttflap, tho?

Vogue 8944
Ok, THAT is cute.

Vogue 8949
Oooh, this too!

Vogue 8946
Someone pls explain to me why you would take a pattern with a million tucks and pleats and other interesting details, and make it up in the busiest fabric you can find.

Vogue 1372
For the Michelin man in all of us.

Vogue 1373
Don’t worry about the other arm, she can totally handle the cold.

Vogue 8960
Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize the ugliest part of the 90s was back.

Vogue 8957

Vogue 1377
This is probably the only time you will ever hear me say this, but this is least-worst Koos Van Den Akker pattern I’ve ever seen.

Vogue 8961

Vogue 1378
Just being nitpicky – I don’t think that’s a flattering length.

Vogue 8953
Still being nitpicky, but this is not a winter top?

Vogue 8955
I don’t hate this, I just hate that it is PANTS. Whyyyyyy.

Vogue 8945

Vogue 8954
lol, this is seriously one of the worst ones in this collection. Like, wtf is even going on here? That shit looks like a SPIDERWEB.

Vogue 1375
Hm, ok.

Vogue 1376
Vogue: Still trying to make the danglies happen.

Vogue 8964
I guess it wouldn’t be a proper Vogue photoshoot without a random shirtless man.

Vogue 8966
That’s it, I quit.

Vogue Patterns 2013 Fall Collection

30 Jul

Yaaaaay, new Vogue Patterns are in!

This batch wasn’t too bad – the patterns themselves aren’t necessarily terrible (for the most part), but the fabric choices still give us something to giggle over. Which brings me to to my next question – do you think Vogue is onto me? Are they purposefully giving us lols at this point?

Whatever, don’t stop! We like the entertainment!

Vogue 1366
I don’t have anything to snark about this one, really. Questionable fabric choices aside, I would wear the shit out of those pants.

Vogue 1361
I like this IN THEORY, but I also keep noticing that the tucks are not evenly spaced and that back seam looks less bias and more crooked and it’s making my eye twitch.
Oh god, I just realized the collar is totally lopsided too. I take back every positive thought I had about this dress.

Vogue 1358
The style lines on this dress are not half bad (although the drapey poof sleeves need to go), but whyyyy would you sew this up in shiny purple? She looks like she’s melting.

Vogue 1362
I love the waist pleating on this dress, just not that bullshit going on at the neckline. Wtf is the deal with that, anyway? It looks like Vogue 1340, except deflated.

Vogue 8930
Vagina coat, take two.

Vogue 8934
Ok, I know this is a ~Marcy Tilton~ and crazy fabrics are the whole point, but I’m hoping we can all agree that whatever that shiny reflective shit they have going on is a tragedy, and needs to be stopped.

Vogue 8919
Dolman sleeves with a faux boob-minimizing overalls. Ooook.

Oooh, bonus shiny fabric! Gah, where do they find this stuff?

Vogue 8918
Vogue: Featuring necklines that only a mother could love.

Vogue 8921
I’m guessing this is supposed to be a replica of Princecess Kate’s Engagement dress, but the fit and shape here are all wrong. They could not have made this look more unflattering if they tried.
On a side note, one of the fabric requirements is Silk Spun Knit!? Whatever that is, I want me some!

Vogue 8922
This is a really cute dress, but woof at those fabric combinations.

Vogue 8927
PROTIP: If you’re going to put your model in a shirt that’s too big, don’t make the sleeves sheer lace that we can see through.

Vogue 8924
The best part of this picture is the shit in the bottom right corner. What is going on over there? Is the building falling down around her? Should we send for help?

Vogue 8926
I think we need to have a shiny fabric intervention.

Vogue 8936
This is… ok. It looks striking in the pictures (or is that just the model?), but I don’t know any woman who would wear such an exaggerated and long peplum. The back must be pushing a good 10″ away from her ass.

Vogue must have gotten a discount on shitty pleather this season.

Vogue 8935

Vogue 8939
Sister Wives: The Business Edition.

Vogue 8941
No Vogue release would be complete without the addition of an Ugly Hat.

Oh, look, I saved the best for last…

Vogue 8942
I don’t know about you, but it’s high time we had frog and owl purses in our respective wardrobes.

That frog is just like, “… nope.”

Oh god, I just noticed that there is a nest with eggs in the background of the owl picture. I’M DYING.


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